The Tale of an Epic 12-Day, 4-State Journey

This is, finally (!), the tale of an epic 12-day, 4-state journey to bring laughter to Americans in a time of great crisis. Did we succeed? You betcha!

And we can make YOU laugh, too - if you buy our new book "Seize the Day Job! The Humor Book Al-Qaeda Kept You from Reading," at http://www.americasfunniestreporter.com/.

But who are "we," you ask?

"We" are Carl Kozlowski and Tim Joyce, two hard-working comedians who have teamed up to write two slammin' funny books so far, offering our advice about how NOT to live if you wanna be happy. The first, "Life The Final Frontier", came out in 2001. The second, "Seize the Day Job!" a few months ago. With both books, we undertook epic journeys to places that Tim likes to describe as being trapped in medieval times, which fear the outside world as being composed only of dragons and fire.

I, Carl, just call such places by their names: Portland, Maine and Providence, Rhode Island. It is truly hard to believe that two such boring and uneventful cities can exist amid the nearby glory and grandeur of New York City and Boston. But amazingly, they do - more on that later.

This blog is designed to provide you with a sense of what it was like to entertain people for a dozen days straight, and then ask them to buy our book for a dozen days gay. OK, we just wanted them to buy our book. It is meant to provide a snapshot of the itinerant-comic experience, which hopefully will be funnier and more entertaining than the itinerant-tragic experience you read about in social studies class or John Steinbeck's "The Grapes of Wrath."

First up was Boston.

I flew on Virgin Airlines from L.A. to Beantown, and was pleasantly stunned by the experience. I don't know if I lucked out or if this is normal for Virgin staffers, but their section of the LA airport check-in area featured a string of hotties who were gyrating to the sounds of Rick James' immortal disco-funk classic "Give It to Me." The actual song is filled with sexual innuendos so unsubtle they qualify as single rather than double entendres, but here maybe they just meant for customers to give their luggage to them. All I know is i was so pleasantly distracted i almost forgot i'm afraid to fly. Then, once on board, the whole interior of the plane is backlit with pastel purple lights that make you feel you're still in a disco lounge circa 1975 and you're just waiting for someone to bring out the coke and joints. Instead, they'll bring you as many Cokes as you want throughout the flight, which is still pretty good in these days of cheap-ass airlines that hand you one Coke and no peanuts. You could watch or listen to hundreds of entertainment options on your own private screen, which was both fun and embarrassing since i couldn't stop playing the Britney Spears video channel. Before you laugh, YOU try turning away from the video for "Womanizer"!

Touching down in Boston at 545 a.m., I made a scuzzy and desperate train ride across the city to get to my first two nights' glamorous accommodations: the local YMCA dorm. I'd stayed in luxury hotels on my previous two trips, to San Francisco (read my other blog on THAT trip too) and Portland OR and figured this time I better watch my dough because i'd be traveling for a LONG time. But man, was the Y a shell-shock experience, especially after arriving on a flying version of Studio 54.

Here's a photo of my room. It was marked "S1" on the outside, which made it look like a janitor's closet. And indeed, it was about the size of a closet and had all the charm of one too. This is the kind of room where alcoholics go to die. I don't even think Nic Cage's character from "Leaving Las Vegas," who drank himself to death in Oscar-winning fashion, would have let himself stay there. When i first tried to find the room, i wound up in the wrong wing of the floor and overheard a procession of men in other horrifically small rooms as well as a giant shared bathroom/shower area, who all sounded like they were literally coughing up their lungs. I just locked myself in my room and vowed this would be the closest I'd ever come to living like Charles Bukowski. It's a great place to hide out if you've killed someone, though, or if you just have a need to go on a three-day heroin binge.

In Boston, there's lots of historical buildings. There's also lots of people who make their living dressing up like Ben Franklin and other really really old people who you've read about in history books. It's a lot classier than Hollywood, where the classiest impersonators whoring themselves for photos are dressed like Freddy Krueger. Here, I harassed one of Beantown's multitude of Ben Franklins for a photo after he came out of Starbucks. See, you learned something from me already: Ben Franklin went to Starbucks for coffee.

This sign lets people know that the old building standing before them used to be Boston's city hall. Now, it houses a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Good to know that historical preservation is alive and well there.

Boston's on the waterfront, so there's tons of seafood to be had. I once got food poisoning off a fake-crab sandwich at Subway, but it's impossible to turn down Tim's generous offer to pick up dinner and I ordered the left side of the menu, as you'll see here. By the way, I could probably win a Harvey Weinstein lookalike contest judging by these photos.

I love to pose like i'm a cheesy Southern politician laughing at a questionable joke, just in time to have my picture taken. Tim is getting ready to slap me for being too giddy.

This is me with Tim's sidekick and my friend, Cindy Cornelsen. If you want quality comedy at name-brand prices, ask for her by name!

Our first show was on a Wednesday night at the Improv Asylum, a Boston comedy club that houses amazing improv shows in a basement club setting. Lots of cool clubs seem to be in basements in Boston, by the way. Tim and I were interviewed in a show called "Vanity Project," where we were special guests, were asked questions about our lives in front of a packed audience and then watched as the performers created an hour of hilarious scenes mocking our lives in often near-obscene fashion. Unfortunately, didn't have my camera on that night.

The second night we did Mottley's Comedy Club, which is located - surprise! - in a basement near the famed Fanueil Hall. It's been named Boston's best comedy club and it is in fact a great place popping with energy!

After a couple days away from Tim, who took a gig in New York State while I went to the Muse Conference for writers (if you write - go to www.grubstreet.org and sign up for next year's - AMAZING! I met four agents who are going to read my novel when final edit is done - next week!), did a signing at a Borders Books and finally appeared at the amazing comedy joint you see here, the Comedy Studio near Harvard in Cambridge. This has been around 15 years and has become a scouting hotspot for Conan and Letterman, and thankfully I rocked the house, especially thanks to a seemingly crazy black guy in the back of the crowd with a maniacal, non-stop laugh that i mocked out mercilessly (turned out later he was a comic there!)

This is one of my best friends on earth (and one of the funniest!), Chris Kazarian! He saved me from the Y and hooked me up with a couple nights each at his brother's and parents' place, and we ran around Boston seeing the must-see documentary "Anvil!" (Chris looks like a lost member!) and the sure to be Oscar winner "Fast and Furious." I'd never seen the first 3 films in the series, and yet wasn't lost for a second on any of the nuances of the plot or the complexities of the characters. That's because there weren't any! Let's give it up for shitty writing - it's easier to follow! YAY!

Between Boston and NYC, we spent a day in Providence, RI for a stop at Brown University and Longfellow's Books in Portland, Maine. Let's just say that despite my hearing that Prov is a gay mecca, it's totally the most boring city I've ever seen. DEAD. We went back to Massachusetts to sleep because it was too boring to even spend sleep in. And Portland seems trapped in a weird '50s metropolis that never got bigger - about 100,000 people with 50 year old buildings and everyone looks like they have a smaller gene pool than my home state of Arkansas. Seriously, a town full of CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoid Undergroud Dwellers).

This was my first NYC cabbie of the trip. He helped me race through the streets of the Garment District looking for a suit jacket on an hour's notice, because i was off to meet an editor at...

"Details" magazine! Tada! One of my dreams is to break out nationally in journalism as well as comedy, and here was my first chance. One editor recommended me to another, and suddenly i was in the sacred grounds of the Conde Nast lunchroom, home to GQ and Vanity Fair too! I was told check back in a couple weeks and just left my first messages to that effect today (5/21!) Wish me luck!

Here's Tim and Cindy at the spanking-new Yankee Stadium! I only wish I'd made it to the old one! We saw them play the Angels and win 7-4!

I was a little more excited than Tim and Cindy, and fully participated in all mindless crowd-control activity - including this rendition of the Village People's "YMCA"!!! Who says it's only good at weddings?!

Of course, i had to make my pilgrimage to comedy Mecca....

Then i went around the corner and had lunch hanging out with Dave Show regular Rupert Jee at his Hello Deli. He was for some reason amazed by my laptop and the concept of Wifi! 21st century, Rupert! Step up to it!

I ate in Little Italy Friday night, before my Village Lantern show with Tim. The restaurants all have guys standing outside trying to lure you in with different specials. It felt like i was in an alley being offered crack and hookers by highly competitive pimps and dealers. That came later (KIDDING!)

This was Tim living a dream playing Greenwich Village, at the Village Lantern. Many old friends came to this show - shoutout to Amy, Bridget, Janice Blake and the rest!

Saturday, I hit Chinatown on my own and was subjected to some pretty amazing culinary sights - like this open seafood market!

I think these are chickens - but not many dogs in the neighborhood! Lassie, come home!

I finally settled on this establishment, figuring it was a funny name and that if they had that much confidence in "that" area, they must be confident their cooking is good too!

This was totally insane - somewhere in Chinatown is a street where like 20 businesses all sell JUST house lights. Some other street no doubt has just lamps - and is probably clear off in another borough!

These were street dancing college kids in Union Square, a place tourists love but locals HATE! I kept trying to catch these guys flipping in mid-air and instead wound up with these lame shots. They're still kinda fun i think.

Finally, we made it through our last show of the tour at Broadway Comedy Club, and went to eat late night in the Village. I can sleep through anything, thanks to my past battles with narcolepsy, and so i teamed with Tim and Cindy on a game to freak passersby and other diners out. I purposely fell asleep and let them stack whatever they wanted on the Continental Shelf otherwise known as my belly. This is one hell of a way to play Jenga! I'm available for party tricks.

This was me on Sunday, when i went on my own to see "Sleepwalk With Me" by brilliant comic Mike Birbiglia. He and I posed here. I learned a lot and thankfully saw that my own current attempts to write a one-man show about my narcolepsy were vastly different than his tales of sleepwalking. Yay, we're all winners! Stay tuned for my show, early test readings say it's my funniest stuff yet!

This is my roommate from Chicago 10 years ago, Stephen Wellman, and his husband/partner Ron Castro. Stephen came out in the time since i lived with him and is a very happy guy. He and Ron have been together 6 or 8 years and we had an amazing amount of meat for dinner at an Argentine place!

So that's it, folks. 11 days, four states, 10 shows and VOILA!

Now it's your turn - to buy our book! Go to www.americasfunniestreporter.com and order away! It's perfect for the current graduation season as a gift of funny advice for any grad! Yay!!